Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.

In general, I am an honest person. I try to tell the truth, be open with my thoughts and feelings, and do the right thing. That said, if I’m being honest, I’m not above throwing out a quick, creative white lie to protect my kid, avoid a major meltdown, or to just simply have a moment of peace and quiet for myself.

I have discovered that with kids, sometimes this is necessary for survival. Whether I’ve come up with some crazy story for why all the cookies are gone or a clever alternative to why we can’t go outside today, if it’s for the good of your child, what’s the harm?

I find myself coming up with some ridiculous things when trying to persuade my kid to do something, go somewhere or just behave. Most of these things are crazy and not even a remote possibility. I have turned into a mom of empty threats. Here are a few examples of my tall tales.

Lie: If you don’t get your shoes on, I’m going to leave without you.
Truth: No, I won’t. Where am I going to go? The whole reason we’re in this situation is you, my child, need to go to school. If I left without you, that would be a big win for you.

Lie: Stop it now or I am going to turn this car around.
Truth: Of course, I won’t. I want to make it to wherever we’re going on time. Besides, this is probably what you want.

Lie: I’m counting to three. You better stop it.
Truth: I may be counting, but even I don’t know what happens when I get to three. Maybe I’ll take something and throw it away, maybe I’ll yell louder. Who knows? The unknown is part of the ploy.

Lie: Pick up your toys or I’m going to throw them away.
Truth: Actually, I won’t. That is a lot of work and I have spent a hell of a lot of money on them. I won’t really do that, even if the temptation is there.

Lie: See that guy working over there? He’s going to kick us out of this restaurant if you don’t behave.
Truth: I have no idea who that guy is. He probably doesn’t even work here.

Lie: It’s spicy…you won’t like it.
Truth: It could be spicy, even if it’s ice cream. You’ll never know.

Lie: If dad has to come up here, he’s going to kick your butt.
Truth: He’s not going to kick your butt. If anything, he’s going to stomp up here dramatically and you’ll giggle, hiding under your blanket until he comes over and tickles you into submission. Yeah, that’s intimidating.

Lie: You better stop throwing toys, or you’ll go to nap/bed early!
Truth: I don’t really want to get up and deal with all that drama. Just stop throwing sh*t.

Lie: Blippi is broken. We can’t get it anymore.
Truth: It’s not broken. I am just going to explode if I have to watch even one more episode. Pick something else, anything else!

Hopefully when Logan eventually catches on to these white lies, he finds them funny enough to laugh off.

What empty threats have you given your kids?